


Sidelines

by dharma_club



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Blowjobs make everything better, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-06 00:09:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20282155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dharma_club/pseuds/dharma_club
Summary: Nothing ever goes according to plan.Or, Tyler Seguin is a dumbass.





	Sidelines

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Milionking](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milionking/gifts).

> Dear Milionking, hope you enjoy this!  
I definitely tried to take the "gay panic" part of your prompt and it kind of became "coming out panic" while writing.

If Tyler’s life was some sort of a perfect prototype of gay romance scripted for an ABC Family special then he would’ve fallen in love with Jaime the moment they met at the All Star game. Their eyes would meet and Tyler’s heart would beat wildly and he would’ve been smitten by those cute dimples or whatever. 

But back then Tyler was 19 and a horrible, shallow person. Not to mention 2012 Jaime had a bad haircut, an ill-fitting suit and an awkwardness about him that 2012 Tyler did not find attractive at all. Yes, without a doubt he also had a great ass and the type of shoulders often headlining Tyler’s dirtiest fantasies. But come on, they were surrounded by the best their special brand of athleticism had to offer, if a hot bod was going to turn Tyler’s head there were better candidates around. 

Their first conversation after the trade doesn’t seem especially memorable either. Well, Tyler can’t be sure since he doesn’t remember it, but in his defense he was drunk with disappointment (and like fourteen jagerbombs), on the brink of throwing his entire career away for the questionable title of ‘first official NHL cocksucker’. 

It must’ve gone reasonably well because Jamie texted him a few minutes after the call. 

_ **were lucky to have you**_  
_ **let me know when ur coming to dallas **_

It’s the first text in a long friendship. It matters a lot in all the ways Tyler will never ever admit to anyone, ever.

Tyler can only assume you had to be continuously exposed to Jamie to find him hot, because on November 12th 2013 Tyler looks up at Jamie and something just clicks. He’s getting out of the shower, high from scoring four goals, standing naked in the Dallas locker room, staring at Jaime being congratulated himself. 

“Six points, Benny!” Dales is shouting, grinning and practically jumping with excitement. 

Jamie looks back at Tyler and, impossible as it should be, his smile grows softer and wider at the same time. 

Tyler wants to stride to him, grab that sweaty disgusting pornstache face and kiss the hell out of him. Wants to drag Jamie back into the shower and get on his knees for him. He wants to go drinking with the team and sit next Jamie all night, run his mouth over Jamie’s collarbone and hear his dorky laugh in his ear. He wants to know how Jamie’s body fits against him in bed. Wants to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night spooning Jamie. He wants to take Jamie on a fucking road trip in the Texas wasteland and sing Moon Riven to him. 

Fuck. 

Rous grabs his shoulder. “Drinking to victory tonight?” He asks and Tyler nods, dumb.

He’s not in love with Jamie, he knows that you can’t fall in love with someone without actually dating them. But he’s certainly in lust while being pretty good friends with the guy, which means he feels like he is hopelessly head-over-heels into him. It doesn’t change anything, Tyler isn’t ready for any kind of relationship that includes anything beyond getting his dick wet.

Sometimes he even thinks it’s a defence mechanism, like his brain made him think he’s pining after Jamie because he’s safe, unattainable, painfully straight and unassuming. 

So he spends six years being kinda into Jamie. It’s not a big deal. 

The thing is, while that annoying fact hasn’t changed, a bunch of other things have. 2019 seems kind of scary, what with Trump and Russia and like, things Tyler understands nothing about. Maybe global warming? Or the bees thing? But it’s also made everyone possible speak up, and resist and just be active. 

So Tyler feels like he should maybe face himself and realize that he’s going to be in a locker room full of guys he trusts and respects, that not coming out to them has nothing to do with how they’d react and everything to do with Tyler maybe not loving himself enough. Oh, and yeah, Tyler mostly grew out of being a dumbass. That helped. 

So he wakes up one day in August determined and sends a quick text to Jaime before he has time to chicken out.

_ **lunch today  
just us? ** _

He gets an immediate thumbs up back. And stares at it for a while, then continues to methodically take screenshots of all the text conversations they ever had and send it to his email, just in case. 

Because he totally trust Jamie to have his back, but there’s that little terrifying chance it might go really badly, and Tylr knows himself well enough to know he might just delete those if Jamie’s reaction is the one he most fears. 

If he’s being honest with himself, which tries to be nowadays, he’s been thinking about this for a years now. Telling Jaime, and after that the team, would be risking it. He’s not gonna do more than tell the guys, so he might not be ready to be this gay hockey player, but he’s ready to be a hockey player who’s real about who he is to his captain. 

And if he gets caught again, he wants to make sure the Stars will back him up instead of planting rumors and trading him away.

So Tyler spends most of the morning reading back their early messages and cuddling with the dogs, content with his decision until the very last moment. If Jamie hates him because he’s gay, then his friendship is not something Tyler even fucking wants.

Yeah, right. If there’s anything to be learned in his time in Dallas it’s that Jamie Benn grounds Tyler with the force of his determination, that his smiles and dorky laugh make Tyler feel like the Star’s first line is home. He knows he needs his approval, knows that he needs to know Jamie will be on his side if Tyler gets caught again.

“What is with the secret lunch thing?” Jordie asks him when he opens the door to Jamie’s house, but he offers his hand for a caual fistbump. 

“It’s not secret, you’re just not invited,” Tyler grins, leaning against the door. “Where’s baby Benn?”

“Bathing in gel,” Jordie smirks, going back inside and flopping back on the couch. “He wants to be pretty for…”

“Fuck off,” Jamie cuts him, stepping out of his room and smiles at Tyler, still standing at the door, Tyler tries to smile back but he’s pretty sure his face is not cooperating.

“Come on,” Jamie continues, leading him out the door with a quick bye at Jordie’s direction. 

Tyler drives them to the restaurant and Jamie proceeds to give Tyler a full description of what he thinks they should be focusing on in the upcoming training camp and mildly bitching about not getting some girl he met to call him back and how he got stuck in some texting limbo with her. 

“Is it, like, dirty texts?” Tyler asks. 

“No, man,” Jamie laughs. “Not even. Just random how are you and good night and shit.”

“You should send her a dick pic with the next good night,” Tyler beams and Jamie snorts.

“You know I don’t do that.” 

“No one would be able to tell it’s your dick, dude,” Tyler protests. 

Jaime just shrugs and stays quiet after that. Tyler, too busy freaking out inside his own head, can’t hold his end of the conversation either and just ponders how this is a very fucked up conversation to end their friendship with, if that’s where the wind is blowing. 

The restaurant itself is nice, in a swanky upscale steakhouse way, which Tyler doesn’t usually care for, but he knows Jamie likes and he can’t imagine doing this in Flower Child. It’s pretty empty, so Tyler flashes his most charming smile and asks the hostess to sit them in an empty area at the back. Jamie frowns, but follows him to their table with an amused smile. 

“What’s with the secrecy, Seggy?” he asks after they order, “Should I be nervous?”

“No, it’s just.” Tyler sighs, avoids Jamie’s eyes. This has never been easy, and he remembers being 17 and whispering drunkenly into Brownie’s shoulder I think I’m kind of gay and that was horrible. But this just might be a new low. 

It’s his eighth time coming out, and it should be easier, but it’s only becoming worse and worse with each new person. The more people he tells, the more exposed he is, even more opportunities for him to get caught again. More chances something will go horribly irrevocably wrong. 

Jaime’s not intentionally homophobic - he’s just too inherently good to be anything other than accepting of others. He’s been raised to be a Good Boy, but he’s still a hockey dude, and Tyler grew up in the same locker room Jaime did (not literally, just figuratively. But wouldn’t that be something?) so he knows what went down there. Gay means weak, means not strong enough, means less than perfect. Tyler knows that Jaime likes him, trusts him, gets that there’s just something about the two of them on the ice together, something sharp and addictive and dangerous. 

Something right. Tyler would hate to lose it.

“Seggy?” Jamie asks quiet and intense, once the waiter brings them water and takes their order. Tyler suddenly realizes he’s not ready to hear him this uncertain, shaken over whatever’s going on in his mind. “Is everything…”

“I’m gay.” Tyler says, and looks up, Jamie looking at his eyes, searching. And okay, this doesn’t look like Jamie is going to leave or shout how disgusting Tyler is. So, “Very gay. Not bi, or pan or a straight guy who does brojobs on roadies. Very gay, super into dicks.”

Jaime frowns at the last part.

“I know what gay means, Tyler.” 

“Great,” Tyler sits there, resolved not to run away then and there, keeps staring at the unhappy curve of Jaime’s mouth. 

“I’m not sure what you want me to say.” Jaimes says finally. 

“I just came out to you, asshole,” Tyler hisses, too afraid to raise his voice, completely rattled. Whose genius idea was it to have this conversation in a public setting, anyway. “This is a really huge deal for me. Any reaction would be nice.”

“Tyler,” Jamie looks up, staring directly at his eyes. “You definitely did not just come out to me.”

“What?” Tyler startles, the panic is a sharp bitterness in his mouth. He stares down, his knuckles going white.“I - ”

“No, no. It’s. Tyler, you told me.” Jamie keeps staring at him. “You said something about being traded to Dallas for giving a blowjob, so yeah, pretty clear,” he shrugs in that Jamie way that Tyler knows means Jamie is embarrassed and self-conscious, because sometimes Jamie forgets he’s not a chubby 13 year old boy anymore. It’s ridiculous. 

The familiarity of it kind of settles Tyler. It’s still his Jamie. 

“When did I say that?” He genuinely doesn’t remember this. He’d know if he ever came out to Jamie. Definitely. Like, 99.9%. 

“When we talked, just after you got traded.” Jamie coughs awkwardly. “So, yeah. I know, it’s not a big deal.”

“God,” Tyler really wants to just crawl under the table just now. “I was so drunk then.”

Jaime smirks, “I know.”

“You’re such an asshole,” Tyler whines. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s private, and you obviously didn’t want to talk about it.”

Tyler nods, dumbfounded. 

“More like didn’t know we could talk about. But, ah, thanks, for saying it doesn’t matter.” he rasps. 

“Sure.” Jamie smiles back, “Can I focus on my coming-out steak now?”

“Dude,” Tyler snorts. “I’m pretty sure it’s my coming-out steak.”

“Whatever, man. There is enough fancy gay-friendly steak to go around.” 

After, when they’re back in the car, Jamie looks straight ahead and asks, “Is there - I mean, are you dating someone?”

Tyler licks his lips, hyper aware of the silence and how alone they suddenly are, enclosed in the small space of the car.

“No, I just wanted to tell the team. And you were the first.” 

Jamie sighs. “That’s a lot of steaks.”

“I think I might do it when camp starts, seems more efficient,” he smiles and Jamie smiles back.

“Thank you for trusting me. I-,”

“You’re a good friend, Jameson,” Tyler knows he’s missing casual and friendly by a mile and is landing right into awkward and needy, but he can’t help it. He’s too hung up on Jamie and his stupid flushed face and loyal friendship and unyielding confidence in the fact Tyler is a good person. 

It’s a pretty good day, all in all, and Tyler can’t really congratulate himself, because it’s not really coming out when the person you’re telling has known for as long as you’ve been friends. But he can breathe easier, so it’s a win he’ll take. 

That is, until Jamie is knocking on his door two days later (which why is he even doing - he has a key).

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he shouts, barging in, when Tyler opens the door. 

“Uh, sorry?”

Jamie looks a little deranged, hair soft and all over the place, and this determined glint in his eyes which easily gets Tyler weak in the knees. It’s not that Tyler doesn’t care that Jamie is obviously angry with him, it’s that he’s a little distracted by how hot he is when he’s angry. 

“You just,” Jamie breathes in. “You’re the most frustrating person to ever exist. Do you really not remember? When we talked, after the trade?” 

Tyler shrugs, bashful. 

“Okay. Fuck, okay.” Jamie runs a hand through his hair. 

“Do you, like, want anything?” Tyler asks, because really, what is he supposed to do. 

“No, just listen. You know when you were traded, and I called you. And I said off ice stuff is bullshit, and you laughed and said it was fucking homophobic. And then you somehow said that they knew you were dating this guy and there were pictures.” 

Tyler is having so much second hand embarrassment listening to this. Retroactive first hand embarrassment? Basically, he wants to die. It must be a sign of growth and maturity, right?

“So I said it wouldn’t matter,” Jamie continues. “Because it’s not like that here. And you asked how would I know, so I told you that I know because I was bi and nobody cared.”

And. Oh. Okay, that maybe changes things a little.

“Oh, Jamie,” Tyler says, helpless, because he is definitely an idiot. “I’m so sorry.”

It’s one thing to not remember coming out to your friend, but it’s definitely unforgivable if you forget they came out to you. Not to mention you also probably misread every single interaction you two ever had. Jamie knew. Jamie was aware every single time Tyler went home with some girl, every time someone on the team said something inappropriate, every single damn time Tyler lay his head in Jamie's lap. Every time their hands brushed. 

Jamie knew every time Tyler looked at him and wished he was brave enough to kiss him. 

“I think I need to sit down,” he says and doesn’t move. The worst part about realizing he could have this, is that he’s not fucking ready. Not in the least. 

Not that it has never stopped him before. So, like, fuck it.

Kissing Jamie is the most natural thing he’s ever done. There’s some technique, but mostly it’s just him trying to explore everything about Jamie. How he nips at Tylers upper lip, and how he smiles against Tyler’s lips. How quietly hums when Tyler scratches his nape.

“You can,” Tyler whispers, closes his eyes. “You can ignore this... nothing has to change.” 

“Don’t want to,” Jaime huffs and steps closer, rubs his thigh against Tyler. “I like this.”

“Fuck,” Tyler says, he mushes his face into Jamie’s chest, overcome with fondness, with relief. Then surges up and kisses Jamie as hard as he can master, all teeth and desperation. Smiling against Jamie’s mouth, teeth scraping over Jamie’s jaw.

“Wanted you for so long,” Jamie says and it makes Tylers cheeks burn. 

It’s getting pretty intense and then Jamie goes down to his knees and Tyler is seriously considering building a time machine to go back in time to beat his own ass. Jesus. Jamie obviously did this before, because he takes Tyler into his mouth without any issues, bobbing his head and this is seriously more than Tyler can take. 

He is not going to have Jamie blow him in the entryway, damn it. 

“Fuck,” he pulls on Jaime’s hair. “up, get up.”

Jamie sits back and looks up, he looks both pissed off and pouting at the same time, his lips shiny and red and it’s cute and hot and tempting, but no. They’re going to do this right. He gently nudges Jamie’s thigh with his foot. 

“Wanna see my bedroom?” 

Jamie give his cockhead one more lick, more tease than intent and stands up. 

“More than anything.” 

\---------------------

After, they’re laying on the bed, just breathing, Jamie’s hand is on his thigh and it’s easy to reach out, rub his thumb gently over Jamie’s knuckles, spread his palm over Jamie’s until he was covering it. Jamie is bigger than him, wider, sturdier and it’s a little shocking to see his hands be smaller next to Tyler’s, his fingers gentler. 

He hides his face in Jamie’s shoulder, exhausted. 

“So, like, better late than never?” He asks, sheepish.

Jamie chuckles. “You’re never living this down, Segs. Ever.” 

And Tyler thinks that yeah, fair. He's willing to be chirped about this for the rest of their lives.


End file.
